It's the Vodka's Fault
by sango562
Summary: Warning, there is no sex in this fanfic  except for Russia's sex dream which I described vaguely  Sorry to disappoint you xD
1. Chapter 1: The Same Routine

Every day was the same routine. Wake up, drink some vodka, brush the teeth, drink more vodka, head into the snow, flip off the McDonalds fast food joint that reappears every five miles, buy more vodka, and thank God for being able to hold the liquor. At the meeting, Ivan's breath still smelled like alcohol, but no one said anything because they're just happy he's sober, this time.

Of course, as usual, Alfred interrupted the meeting to put in his narcissistic naïve opinions. And, of course, as usual, Arthur said, "bloody git", "wanker", or "don't you f#cking mention that rubber incident AGAIN". Germany scolded him and said he shouldn't cuss, but, of course, ever since Hitler Germany, everyone hated him. Well, except for little Italy. Italy loved everyone, even the aid infested France.

During the whole chaotic meeting, Belarus succeeded in sneaking over to Ivan's chair and groping his shoulders while trying to convince him to marry her or else she'll cut off Toris' balls. Ivan doesn't get to play with Toris' balls, anymore, so he finds that quite doable. He's sure Felix will have a fit about it, but he can suck it. Literally.

And, after the threats, cursing, profanity, blasphemy, chaos, drinking, flipping off, sneaking, groping, and fighting is over with, the "meeting" is done. We can finally leave. Well, those who weren't bothered by a certain narcissistic blond.

"Yo, what the Hell? They allow you to go to these meetings? Seriously? Don't they know I hate you?" America pipes.

"You hate Germany also, da?" Ivan replies.

"I don't really care, anymore. He invented the hamburger. My anger didn't last long. What have you given me?"

"Vodka."

"That disgusting stuff? I can't even drink it!"

"Well, that's your problem, da?"

"Another one of my problems is that you're f#cking annoying. Why do they allow you here?" 

"Because I am part of the world."

Alfred rolled his sky blue eyes, "You shouldn't be."

"America, why do you hate me?"

"You're communist."

"I'm not even communist anymore. China still is, da? You don't hate him." 

"But he's giving me a lot of stuff. You're not." 

"Am I supposed to give you present and beg for our relationship to brighten up?"

America smirked, "Yes. Yes you are."

Russia chuckled cutely, "I doubt you will achieve that goal, America."

He pouted, "You never know!"

Russia walked away and made his way home. He stopped by to grab some vodka, flipped off Ronald McDonald, and headed to the bar. That's all that Ivan remembered from last night.


	2. Chapter 2: Think Before You Act

Ivan wakes up in his room. He doesn't remember how he got into his house, but he had the most sexual dream. He dreamt that he was at home, reading a history book about Rasputin, and America came in with some Starbucks (It's not sexy yet, but it's getting there). He set the coffee on the table and sat on the crotch of Ivan's pants. One of the strange things of the dream was that Ivan was on the bottom (Ivan's SO on top xD), another strange thing was that it was a weirdly vivid dream, because he remembers how the grinding and unzipping felt. He remembers the size of America's cocks and he even remembers the label of the Starbucks coffee sitting on the table without a coaster.

There was nothing foggy like normal, and there was not feeling of falling while waking up, either. The only thing he felt was his heart beating and his pants wet as if he was 14 again.

Ivan skips the vodka this morning. It must have been the vodka last night that caused it. He gets dressed, brushes his teeth, passes the McDonalds without noticing it, and enters the meeting room.

Germany's eyebrow twitches, "Would everyone please shut the Hell up. I'm trying to run a meeting, here."

Arthur stands up, "you told me not to cuss!"

Germany glares at him, "SIT DOWN. I KNOW THAT IT'S SUNDAY AND WE ALL WANT TO GO HOME BEFORE WE GO TO SCHOOL, TOMORROW, BUT WE HAVE TO BE HERE ANYWAY AND WE NEED TO GET THIS DONE!"

America stands up, "That's a great idea, Germany! Let's take a vote, who wants to blow this popsicle stand and get to our real lives?"

England glares at him, "AMERICA YOU THICK GIT, SIT DOWN AND BEHAVE LIKE I TAUGHT YOU!"

America crosses his arms and sits down, grumbling about how he isn't England's little boy, anymore.

Germany runs a hand over his hair and continues with the meeting. Ivan couldn't pay attention to what he was saying, because he couldn't keep his eyes off of America. That dream really screwed him up; he can't stop thinking about what it was like to be filled with Florida.

Ivan realizes that his hand snuck its way to his pants. He stops it and puts it back onto the table. America saw the hand sneak down to his pants and raises an eyebrow at Russia. Ivan involuntarily blushes lightly and reverts his eyes to Germany. _Stop the f#cking nonsense. The dream will never become true. It will never happen._

After the meeting, America comes up to Russia as usual, "What the hell was that?"

Ivan turns around innocently, "Was what?" 

"You were touching yourself during the meeting. That's disgusting! If you want Germany that bad, just date him, already!"

"I wasn't thinking about Germany," the words slipped out of Ivan's mouth before he could stop them.

"Yeah? Who were you thinking about? Lithuania? Prussia?"

Russia turns away from him, "It's nothing."

America's eyes widen, "you weren't… you weren't doing that over Belarus, were you?"

Russia shakes his head.

"…Ukraine? I can understand that one…"

Russia shakes his head again, "Just, leave me alone, Alfred," and he starts to walk away.

Nosy little America follows him into the men's restroom, "What? What happened? Who were you thinking about that couldn't wait for after the meeting?"

Russia glares at him, starting to lose his cool, "Not now, America. I need to think. Some of us think before we do something."

America rolls his eyes, "God, what is wrong with you? Just tell me, already!"

Russia loses it and snatches America's tie. He pulls him close and kisses him dryly on the lips. Russia throws him on the ground and storms off.

America is confused, as usual.


	3. Chapter 3: Enemies Never Ever Ever Kiss

America stayed home from school on Monday. He doesn't want to see Russia. He doesn't want to face him and admit he felt fireworks. That's not how enemies are supposed to work. They're supposed to hate each other forever and never ever ever ever kiss.

But Ivan did kiss him, and Alfred was about to kiss him back.

Alfred, lying in his bed, presses his face into the pillow, "Damn Russia. Damn Russian. Damn Ivan. Damn Ivan the Terrible. Damn Ivan the Great. Damn it!"

There is a knock at the door. Alfred groans as he lazily slips out of bed. He walks to the door and peers through the eye of the door. England with arms crossed over his chest is waiting while impatiently tapping his foot against the porch. Alfred groans again and opens the door. He fakes a couple of coughs and hoarsely says, "I'm sick. I couldn't come to school, today."

England storms into the room, "You're not sick. If you were sick you'd be calling me and begging me to bring you a BigMac and explaining naively that they heal the soul."

_Damn, England got me there._ "I didn't want to get you sick over the phone by calling you."

England glares at him, "You're an idiot, Alfred, but you're not that much of an idiot. What did you do to Russia?"

Alfred raises an eyebrow, "What?" 

"Both you and Ivan were absent from school, today. What did you do to him to make him stay home?"

"Maybe he got snowed in."

England face palms, "Look, I know you did something. I don't care if you don't admit what you did, but you have to go over to him and apologize."

Alfred glares at him, "I didn't do anything to him! He did something to me!"

England's eyes widen, "Did he rape you?"

"What? No! Of course not! The villain never takes over the hero!" Alfred struck a pose.

England face palms again, "As long as you apologize, I will be happy. Get dressed, I'll drive you over there."

Alfred groans, "But my pajamas are so comfy!"

"NOW."

"Okay, okay, jeez, okay." Alfred goes up to his room and changes into a t-shirt and jeans. He comes down, "all right let's get this over with."

Arthur nods and leads him to the car.


	4. Chapter 4: Look! McDonalds!

"Are we there, yet?"

Arthur groans, "no, not yet."

"Are we there, yet?"

Arthur ignores him.

"Arthur… Arthur… Arthur… ARTHUR!"

"WHAT?"

"… Are we there, yet?"

England smacks him, "stop being annoying."

"Ow… Oh! Oh! Arthur! There's a McDonalds!"

"Yes, Alfred."

"Can we get me a BigMac?" 

"No, Alfred."

"Hey, Arthur, why is the driving wheel on the right side of the car?"

"Because it's an English car, Alfred."

"Oh… so English cars are wrong?"

"No, English cars are just different."

"Oh! Oh! There's another McDonalds! Can we-"

"NO. SHUT UP."

"Aw… HEY IT'S STARBUCKS!"


	5. Chapter 5: We Have Vodka

Finally, after a couple of hours of the previous chapter, Arthur and Alfred make it through the blizzard to Russia's frozen home. Arthur turns off the engine, "All right, Alfred, I'll wait here for you. You get in there and you better apologize like a good boy."

Alfred groans, "I don't want to be a good boy!" (Lol, Alfred, you don't have to be :3)

Arthur glares and Alfred straps on his long sleeve shirt, sweater, hoodie, coat, and another coat just to walk up to the porch. He knocks on the door and no one answers.

"Thank God, he's not home," America turns to leave when the door opens a crack.

"What do you want?" asked the tired voice behind the door.

Alfred rolls his eyes and turns around, "Arthur dragged my ass down here so I can apologize for your absence or some shit like that. Look, it's freezing, let me in."

Ivan sighs and let's Alfred in, "What do you want?"

Alfred closes the door and takes a breather, "Jeez, did you hear what I said? Arthur made me come and apologize!"

Ivan glares at him, "Da? Apologize for what?"

Alfred rolls his eyes, "Jeez, I don't know. Arthur has a stick up his butt. I have no idea what he wants me to do. I didn't do anything to you!"

Ivan sighs, "Whatever. Just leave when you want. I'll tell Arthur you apologized, later."

Alfred looks at Ivan, "Dude, don't you want to apologize?"

Russia glares at him, "So that's why you came. You wanted something from me. You selfish little greedy country! You have no idea what is going on, do you?"

Alfred growls, "Well, what am I supposed to do? I didn't do anything to you! You just all of a sudden kissed me! Now I have this weird feeling when I talk to you! I don't know what's happening! I just know I don't like it."

Ivan grumbles, "Maybe if you weren't pushing my buttons all the time I would have been calm enough to think about it before I acted!"

Alfred closes his eyes, "Whatever! It's just… awkward to talk to you, now. I don't like it."

"You mean argue?"

"What?"

"You've never talked to me, before. Ever since I had to leave WWI right before you entered, you were always arguing with me. You never talked to me, you always argued with me."

Alfred groans, "well, you were a dumbass to come into the war, anyway."

Ivan opens the door and snow blows into the house, "Either you leave now or I beat you half way to death. You choose."

Alfred glares at the snow, "Do I have to? Arthur's out there, waiting to give me a lecture about anything."

Ivan raises an eyebrow, "What will it be?"

Alfred closes the door, "I just don't want to go into the storm right now," Alfred walks into Russia's living room and sits on the couch, "What do you have to eat around here?"

Ivan glares at him, "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm sitting. Wow, Russia, I thought you knew what sitting was."

Russia face palms, "I mean, why are you sitting on my couch?"

"What am I supposed to do? Sit on the ground? What kind of food do you have?"

Ivan sighs, "Vodka."

"What else?"

"Vodka."


	6. Chapter 6: He's a Hot Villain

America sits on the couch with a pout, "You don't have any food?"

"Would you go to the market on a snow day like this?" Ivan sits next to him with a bottle of Vodka.

Alfred growls, "Whatever."

Ivan rolls his eyes, "Why don't you just go home and stop bugging me."

"I want your apology, first."

"You know, the more you wait, the more cold it'll get."

"Yeah?"

"Isn't Arthur waiting in the car?"

"And?"

"Arthur will be frozen solid in the car before I apologize to you."

"He has the heater on."

"I will not apologize to you."

"And why not?"

"Because I'm not sorry," the words slip out of his vodka covered lips again. Damn vodka hasn't been treating Ivan well, lately.

Alfred stares at him, "What? Why aren't you sorry?"

Ivan rolls his eyes, "Wow, you're just as naïve as ever even when it's almost spelled out for you."

Alfred's eyes widen, "What the Hell, man? You aren't serious, are you?"

Ivan sinks in his couch, "Like I said before, I needed to think. I had a weird dream, Saturday night, and I've felt weird ever since."

Alfred leans in, "What kind of dream?"

Ivan lies, "I raped you in my dream."

Alfred's face twists in disgust, "What the Hell? You're turned on by that shit?"

Ivan raises his eyebrows, "Are you surprised?"

Alfred grumbles and crosses his arms over his chest, "Whatever. Just don't do that to me."

"And who is to stop me?"

Alfred's eyes widen, "What?"

"Who is to stop me from raping you?" Ivan's eyebrows rise with a smirk, "After all, you won't leave until I apologize."

Alfred holds his hands out, "Don't touch me! I don't want your communist germs on me!"

Ivan grabs Alfred's hands and yanks him forward into another kiss. Ivan grips onto Alfred's collar and forces his tongue into the startled American's mouth. It tasted like Starbucks, like Ivan's dream.

Alfred jerks and tries to resist for a couple of seconds. It was getting hard to fight with his hormones flooding his judgment. America gives in and kisses him back. _He's the enemy. He's the villain… he's a hot villain…_


	7. Chapter 7: Tu Casses Mon Coeur!

"What the bloody Hell is taking that git so long?" Arthur pulls on his long sleeve shirt, sweater, hoodie, coat, and another coat. He opens the door and goes to the house. He sees Nantucket through the window to the Living room. He wipes the frost and peers through. He gasps and his eyes widen. _Alfred and Ivan are making out on the couch._ Arthur steps back, "What the bloody Hell? I thought he hated him!" England grumbles, "Well, no point in waiting for him to finish. Might as well head back." He gets back into the car.

There is a rustle of blankets in the back seat and England jumps. He takes out his police club and smacks the lump of blankets, "Ah zut! Ce que la baise? Tu es foutou!" France emerges from the blankets while rubbing the lump on his head, "Why did you do that?"

England's nerves calm down, "What the bloody hell, France? You wanker, what are you doing in my car?"

France smirks, "I was hitching a ride. I thought you were going to your house to sex Alfred up, but apparently not."

England glares at him. He points outside, "Get out, France."

France gasps, "Ah bon? Pourquoi? I'll freeze out there!"

England smirks, "Serves you right, trying to catch me do something sexy."

France whimpers, "Arthur, you're so cruel to me! Tu casses mon cœur!" France lays a hand on his forehead in dramatic suffering.

England pops a vein, "Fine. I'll bring you out of the storm. I'll drop you off at Germany's."

France's face twists, "L'Allemagne? Non s'il te plait! Anything but that!"

England starts the car, "you're staying back there, also. I don't want to be seen with a horny bastard like you."

France sighs, "D'accord. But you're evil to me, Angleterre."

England rolls his eyes and drives off through the white blizzard.


	8. Chapter 8: The Taste of Vodka

Ivan's saliva tasted like vodka, or at least what Alfred suspected vodka to taste like. It burns down the throat in an almost sweet aftertaste. Alfred normally wouldn't touch the stuff, but coming in this type of form it wasn't so bad.

Ivan bites Alfred's bottom lip which sends shivers down his spine. Alfred moves ahead and starts to move Ivan's scarf to kiss his neck, but Ivan's gloved hand stops him. Ivan stops snogging (no, I'm not from the UK, but I am furious that Microsoft Word doesn't recognize "snogging" as an actual word. Damn Yankees) and sits back, catching his breath. Alfred catches his breath too, but he doesn't want to stop. He tries to kiss Ivan again to continue, but Ivan stops him.

"No, Alfred. Not now."

Alfred groans, "But I'm coming back to my senses."

Ivan glares at him, "see what happens when someone acts before they think?"

Alfred nods and whispers in Ivan's ear, "It's amazing, isn't it? You get so far."

Ivan sighs and pushes him back, "Not now, Alfred."

Alfred sighs and lies back on the couch, "Since when do you call me 'Alfred'? I thought I was just 'America'."

Ivan realizes that he's thinking of him as a human instead of an enemy country. Ivan shakes it off and stands up, "I don't know."

"So, what do we do, now?"

Ivan looks at Alfred, sprawled over the couch. An image of exhausted and conquered blushing America flashes over his eyes, but he shakes the image away, "We can talk about this."

Alfred groans, "Hell no! I don't like talking. I like doing."

Ivan sighs, "Look, Alfred, if we don't talk about this, it'll just be chaos."

Alfred rolls his eyes and stands up, "You're starting to sound like boring England."

Ivan's eye twitches, "I sound like England? Is that supposed to be an insult?"

Alfred snatches Ivan's scarf, "I don't care. Take it however you want. Just don't talk right now. I hate words." Alfred smirks and brushes his index finger across Ivan's huge nose. Ivan's cheeks redden up. Alfred pulls the big Russian down and kisses him.


	9. Chapter 9: долбаёб!

Because of the snow, Alfred had to sleep over. Nothing dirty went down because Belarus patrolled the halls between their rooms. _Does she ever sleep?_ Ivan thought every time Belarus snuck in and asked if he was straight, yet.

In the morning, Ukraine drove the three of them to school. Belarus sat between Ivan and Alfred, of course. Every time Ivan would steal a look at him, Alfred would quickly turn away and pretend he was interested in the outside world. Whenever Alfred looked at him, Ivan would look at the ground and play with his shoes.

Ukraine let the three teenagers out and wished them a good day at school. Belarus clung onto Ivan tighter than usual. Ivan whimpered under her grip. He tried to play it cool, but he shook like Latvia.

Alfred looks around and points at Toris, "OMG IT'S LITHUANIA'S BALLS!"

Belarus looks at Toris and glares, "Come here, Lithuania. Come here and I'll teach you a lesson about love." Felix glares at Alfred, and then Belarus, and grabbed Liet's hand to make a run for it. Belarus chased them and Ivan sighed with relief. 

"Thank you, comrade."

"No problem," Alfred patted Ivan on the shoulder. Some people were staring at them because they weren't fighting. It felt weird.

Ivan whispers in Alfred's ear, "Let's keep our relationship a secret. According to everyone, we're enemies. Let's keep that way."

Alfred raises an eyebrow, "Yeah? I can do that. Hey, Belarus!" Alfred pets Ivan's nose, "I'm touching your little Ivan~"

Belarus turns from Lithuania and glares at him with actual glowing eyes. She dashes over and Alfred makes a run for it. Belarus clings onto Ivan, "I'm never leaving you again, brother. Don't worry. Bela's here."

Ivan glares at Alfred and growls, "долбаёб!"

Alfred laughs and runs off.


End file.
